Moonbeams

Moving on After Divorce in Later Life - Strategies for building self confidence

Going through divorce when we are older steals our confidence and self-esteem and leaves us feeling disempowered and lacking the courage we need to create a new life for ourselves.

Instead of trusting ourselves to make the right decisions we run the risk of basing them on what other people think and fearing failure, remain in our comfort zone to avoid taking risks. As a result, we limit ourselves by lacking self-belief and as a result miss opportunities and achieving what is possible.

An important part of transforming life after divorce is to understand and value ourselves and have the confidence to be the person we really want to be. Often the only thing that gets in the way of this is our self!

To become more confident you need to pay attention to both your internal and external self. If you work from the inside out, the more you get to know yourself, the more confidence you will have.

Be Positive

We become more confident when we focus on what is working in our life and what we are good at rather than the things we are afraid aren’t working.

If you make a positive interpretation of a situation it can powerfully affect the way you think so you need to look at things differently to help yourself arrive at a different conclusion. Ask yourself ‘What could other reasons for this be?’

We need to focus on what is working in our life rather than what isn’t, become aware of our strengths and achievements and view mistakes as a learning experience.

Be careful how you talk to yourself

Self-talk shapes how we see our world and ourselves so it is important that our words are positive. We need to pay attention to our inner voice and make a conscious effort to change negative, deprecating comments into positive empowering ones e.g.  ‘I can’t do that and will end up looking silly’ vs ‘I have done something similar before and I will gain respect for trying’.

Find your strengths and achievements.

Understanding your purpose, values and strengths will help you get in touch with your true self and express yourself more confidently. It is worth investing time in them when you are planning your new life.

Make a list of the ten things you are most proud of. Maybe you did well in an exam, helped a friend or got yourself out of debt. Now write down the things you or other people said at the time about them. Use words like bright, caring, strong, and tenacious. Look at what you have written on a regular basis to confirm your achievements and strengths

Think about what is important to you and what you want to achieve in your life.

A good way of doing this is a SWOT analysis. On a piece of paper draw a line across the middle and then one down the centre. Head the two on the left hand side, strengths and weaknesses and the ones on the right, opportunities and threats. Think about the achievements you listed and what your strengths are. From these think about the opportunities and threats you face.

Plan ahead

Identifying and achieving goals plays an important part in building self-confidence. Use your SWOT analysis to inform your goals. Play to your strengths, minimise your weaknesses, maximise your opportunities and control the threats you face. When you have finished your major life goals identify the first step for each. Make it a really small one and don’t forget to reward yourself for each step you take!

Think about the outside to.

Improving our appearance, developing a confident body posture and tone of voice can make us look and feel more confident. Here are some ideas

•  Get your colours analysed by a colour consultant. You will be amazed how much younger and more vibrant you will look and feel when you wear ‘your’ colours and how much you will save by not buying clothes that end up staying in your wardrobe.

• Treat yourself to a new hairstyle. If you have used the same stylist for some time try a new one who will have fresh ideas. Changing your colour as well as your style or having high/low lights can give you a real boost.
• Accessories can make an outfit – treat yourself to some lovely earrings, a pretty necklace, scarf or bracelet. They glam up any outfit and don’t need to be expensive.
• Make an appointment with a beauty consultant and get some ideas for changing your makeup
• If you wear glasses, how about getting some new frames. Take a friend to help you choose. Or why not consider contact lenses or laser treatment and throw away your glasses.
• Pay attention to your posture and make an appointment with a teacher, who is trained in the Alexander Technique to help you move more gracefully, become more poised and breathe and speak more easily and confidently.
• Think about engaging a voice coach

Finally, identify your support network.

Look for people who are confident and have high self-esteem to spend time with. Genuine friends will see your strengths rather than your weaknesses and will help you gain new perspectives on your situation.

Also, remember that helping others can boost your self-esteem. By knowing that you have brought happiness to someone else you move the focus away from yourself.


Here’s to a more confident you in 2010!

Retirement planning- Why we should plan our retirement

 
Retirement is one of the most significant changes you will ever experience and one of the greatest social experiments of our time.

Retirees today are much healthier, more active and can expect to live longer than they could in the past. In 1951 there were fewer than 300 centurions alive in England and Wales. By 2036 statistics suggest there could be more than 40 thousand. We are in a unique position and facing a future that looks nothing like our parents second half of life.

Unlike our parents, for whom secure jobs and pension-funded retirements were the norm, we need to be self reliant and self-starting. This is because changes taking place in Government policy and in the workplace are placing increasing pressure on us to take personal responsibility for aspects of our lives, which were previously performed by outside agencies such as health professionals, teachers and the Government.

Despite the significant changes taking place, we are living in today’s world, and planning yesterday’s retirement. If you are aged between 40 and 60, you are a guinea pig without knowing it. Let’s look at some of the reasons why.

•    It is anticipated that life expectancy will continue to rise. The population aged 80 and over in 1998 of 2.3 million will gradually rise to nearly 6 million by 2050.

•    Attitudes regarding health and well-being are short sighted. Our lifestyle habits such as diet, smoking and drinking, illustrate the extent to which we prioritise the present at the expense of the future.

•    When it comes to planning finances, our disregard for the future is blindingly obvious. Many of us are saving nothing or too little towards our retirement. Increasing levels of debt are being accrued and many of us are unaware of the difficulties we will encounter later in life, or are unsure how to plan for them.

•    Our retirement plans are reflections of those of our grandparents or parents but our chances of living a long life   are not. We’re living in the 21st century and planning a 20th Century retirement!

•    Because people are living longer, many of us are spending our retirement caring for older relatives.

•     As many parents now go to work, grandparents are playing a larger role in caring for grandchildren than previous generations.

•    The percentage of people in mid life who are divorced or separated has more than doubled over the past 20 years. This will place greater demands on people’s abilities to self manage their lifestyles. This was less necessary in the past, when the overwhelming majority were in stable couple relationships.

Up to now retirement planning meant, ‘Do you have enough money?’ because retirement planning comes from financial planners and life insurance agents. However there is increasing awareness that if we are going to be spending 25 years or more in this phase of life, we need to plan for it properly and well in advance. Unfortunately most people spend more time planning a holiday or buying a car than a 25-year retirement!

When approaching retirement we need exactly the same process of self-analysis and sound consultation that we would receive from a competent career advisor if we were going through a job change. As job changers need to generate career options in a clear and understandable way, pre retirees need the same option generation process but with slightly different, content and goals and an entirely different purpose. People retiring at any age need plenty of options.

Everyone approaches retirement from a different point of view.     Some of us will cope with it well, while others will approach it with uncertainty and even fear.

Nobody knows how long he or she is going to live and most people want a long and fulfilling life. This is an ideal, which few people achieve, but with planning and timely action, it is now attainable.
         
Personal retirement planning helps people extend choice and control in the transition from work to retirement, through coaching designed to help gain new perspectives and possibilities.

Your retirement will be as unique as your fingerprint. With professional coaching and effective planning you can transform how you approach retirement and the enjoyment and fulfillment you get from it.

Make the most of the opportunities it can offer and start planning now!

















           

Important Life Lessons - Use your past to uncover valuable life lessons

‘He who controls the past, commands the future. He who commands the future conquers the past’ George Orwell

 It is likely that by the time you have reached the second stage of your life you will have  gained valuable life experiences - both good and bad - and however you look at them; they all provide important indicators for planning your new life as a single person

 I believe that knowing and embracing our life story plays a significant role in our emotional recovery and is therefore important for moving forward.

 An essential part of valuing and understanding yourself is to connect with what you already know about yourself. Using this information can greatly enhance the planning of your new life.

The following exercise will help you move on with confidence, energy and enthusiasm.

In an exercise book, head each page with 10-year blocks e.g. 1 - 9; 10 - 19; 20 – 29 and so on right up to the decade of your current age.

On each page ask yourself what events and people have played a significant part of your life, both positive and negative e.g.:

    * Began or finished school / college / university
    * Started new job / Promoted to manager
    * Susan born
    * Cancer scare
    * Moved house
    * Got divorced
    * Fell out with Rob
    * Mother died

 And so on. Think of as many things as you can but don’t dwell on what you have written.

 Put the book away overnight then read what you have written

  What are the recurring or significant events?

    * Why do you think they occurred?
    * What were they trying to teach you?
    * What can you learn from them?

Our disappointments, challenges and mistakes also provide valuable lessons that we can learn from

    * What have been the biggest disappointments in your life and why?
    * What have been your greatest challenges? How have you overcome them?

We are often so busy in our lives we forget to acknowledge the progress we have already made. Spend a few minutes thinking about the things you have done in your life that you are proud of. Write them down and add to your list whenever things pop into your mind that you had forgotten, as they undoubtedly will!

Reflecting on the life lessons you have learned from these exercises what are the most valuable pieces of advice you can give yourself for the next phase of your life?

'Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from' Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Decision Making Techniques -10 steps to making good decisions

Last time I highlighted the importance of making good decisions and how difficult this can be for those of us who no longer have a husband or partner to act as a sounding board. I promised you some guidelines on making good decisions and here they are.

1.   Let your emotions subside before making an important decision. At the very least sleep on the matter you make the decision

2.   Be clear about the situation and decision you are trying to make.What is your ultimate objective? What problem are you trying to solve? Why should it be solved? How will you know when you have solved it? Is there a timescale? Write down your answer as a clear statement. For example, I am trying to decide whether to change careers as I am becoming bored at work.

3.   Get others on board. Sometimes an outside or objective viewpoint can offer you a different way of looking at things. Share your thinking with people you trust like friends and family members, work colleagues etc.They will inevitable come up with with things you haven't thought of which can make your decision easier to make.

4.   Brainstorm possible choices. Generate ideas and possible solutions and make a list Ask for help if you need it

5.   Beware of choice overload. Limit the  number of options to a maximum of three by prioritising your list.

6.   Make your decision. Reflect on  what you have learned and trust your own judgment.You will know and feel which one is best(Tools to help you are on the way!)

7.   Do your research..  What factors does your decision involve? Use the Internet, library,friends,family,colleagues,neighbors,spiritual leaders to get as much background information as possible.,Keep all the information relating to your decision in one place. 

8.   Identify your resources. What do you need to act on your decision? Include money,people,knowledge,skills,information

9.   Put your decision into action. Transform your decision into a plan of specific action steps.What could get in the way of implementing your decision? What action could you take to prevent this happening?

10. Take action to implement your decision. This is the most important step. Its no good making a decision of you do not act on it!

'Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there'. Will Rogers