Moonbeams

Social Network Analysis - an exercise to extend your social network

We all need our family and friends and never more so than when we are facing or undertaking a major life change.

If we lose a partner, for whatever reason, sometimes relationships we shared with them are lost or damaged and the fear of feeling isolated or lonely becomes greater.

It is therefore important, when we begin a new life, to review our relationships and to develop new ones while fostering older friendships.

One way of reviewing your relationships is by drawing a circle the size of a coin with three increasingly larger circles round it.

The inner-most circle is you.

 In the first circle around it write the names of the people in your life with whom you share great intimacy, your secrets and heartfelt emotions. These are the people that are so dear to you that their absence would impact greatly on your life. They may or may not include family members.

In the next circle write the names of people who are friends and relatives you call upon to go out to dinner or see a movie, but are not those who you consider your most dear friends or those you must see regularly.

In the third circle you need to include the names of the people you participate with in life. This could contain spiritual groups, work colleagues, school college and university mates, people from sports and other clubs and organisations you belong to. Some of these individuals may move to the first or second circle in the future

Put people in the fourth circle who are paid to be in your life e.g. doctors, dentists, teachers, hairdressers, car mechanics, financial advisers and the like.

 Most people have a reasonable number in each of the circles. However people who have recently lost or come out of a permanent relationship may not have any or many in the first circle.

It is the third circle that is the garden for growing future relationships. So to make new friends join a club or society, an evening class, gym or organisation where your interests are shared. Also consider becoming a volunteer.

It is also important to nurture and develop current relationships. So pick up the phone or your mouse more often to keep in touch and ask a colleague, neighbor or friend if they would like to go for a walk, see a film or join you for some retail therapy! It means making the effort but it will be worth it in the end.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stress Reduction Techniques - Ways of Coping with Stress Exercise 3

Transform your home into a relaxation spa. An oasis where you can relax and unwind

Everyone needs his or her own space so make sure you create a zone of your own where you can go to be on your own. This can be your bedroom, study, conservatory or the garden shed! It doesn’t need to be a large space and it is worth spending time and a little money on making it feel welcoming and relaxing. Think soft colours, candles, cushions, favourite books and music, inspirational pictures, plants and calming smells.

Make sure you clear your home of clutter. You will be amazed how good you will feel after a good clear out. Nothing makes you feel so in control of your life as getting rid of stuff you don’t need

Put a weekend aside and go through everything. Have three piles. One for throwing away, one for giving to friends and family and one for the second hand or charity shop. Keep asking yourself ‘what purpose does this serve and do I really need it’

Finally always get rid of something old when you buy or are given a new item. That way you will maintain your stress free oasis and keep clutter free!

Stress Reduction Techniques and Ways of Coping with Stress

This exercise that tells you how to access your peripheral vision is brilliant for quietening internal chatter and reducing stress quickly

Find a point straight in front of you and focus on it.

Now gradually become aware of what’s around it…and let your vision spread out in front of you to the corners of the room, as your eyes continue to look at that point and you become more and more aware of the periphery of your vision.

If you stretch out a hand to one side of you, you might find the point on the edge of your vision where you only see that hand when you waggle the fingers.

Let your awareness also spread behind you…and let your senses of hearing, touch, smell and spatial awareness spread out to the periphery as well and notice what changes occur in your physical state

Normally we use what is known as ‘foveal’ vision, where we concentrate on one point in front of us and notice all the details about that one point, e.g. watching TV, looking at a computer screen

Peripheral vision takes in the whole panorama of what’s happening in front of us and around us. It uses different light receptors in the retina and different neural pathways in the brain.

As you experienced your peripheral vision, you might have noticed certain physiological changes – perhaps a shift in your breathing from higher to lower in the chest, a relaxation of face and jaw muscles and maybe later your hands became warm. Your internal dialogue will almost certainly have become quieter than usual or even stopped altogether.

Social Network Analysis - an exercise to review your support network

Wherever we are on our life transition journey we need people who care for us in our team. I found the following exercise a helpful way to take stock of my relationships and take action to improve my support network

On a separate sheet, draw a circle in the middle of the area to represent yourself. (Me) Then create a map of your relationships – use large circles for people who are important to you and smaller circles for those who are less important. A person may be important to you, but you have infrequent contact. In this case the line between your circle and them is no longer than those people who are important and you see more frequently.

 When you have mapped out your current relationship pattern. Think: Is this pattern what I want? If the relationships are fine as they are – OK!

If you would like to change your pattern of relationships use arrows on the lines to indicate whether you would like the relationship to be closer, stay the same or be more distant. Vary the length of the arrows accordingly i.e. make the relationships you want to be closer shorter and the ones you want to be more distant longer.

When you have done this, think about the most important relationships and the changes you can actually make.

 What do you want from the relationship?

Is this possible to have?

How often do you see the person?

What is the quality of the time you spend together?

Are there additional ways you could communicate – email, letter, phone?

What could you do to make the relationship better

For a relationship change all parties must desire the change and put effort into making the change happen

Here's to  successful friendships!

Make new friends
But keep the old
One is sliver and the other gold !

How to survive widowhood

Whether anticipated or unexpected, losing our husband can turn our world upside down and leave us feeling lost and overwhelmed, especially if  you had been married for a long time like me.

The transition from wife to widow is a painful one involving a change from married partner to independent woman and losing our lover, housemate, financial partner, confidante and soul mate all at once.

At the beginning I felt shocked and couldn't believe it had happened. I felt numb, everything felt hazy and was unable to concentrate.

After this period of shock and denial, reality sunk in and the fact that life would never be the same again hit home. Concerns about how I would cope on my own began to come to the fore.

The time it takes to get over the grieving stage varies enormously and there are no hard and fast rules. Every journey will be unique However I can promise you that as the saying goes ‘This too shall pass’ and things will eventually get better.

It is important that you take care of yourself during the grieving process and most importantly talk through how you are feeling with family and friends or your GP. Having a  nutritious diet, keeping active and giving yourself regular treats are equally important.

One of the things I read recently that I would have found helpful at the time my husband died was the following article by Adrienne Furness. I have her permission to share it with you and hope you find it helpful.

Ten Rules to Help You Survive Widowhood
About a week after my husband died, I started reading a book that cited some less-than-encouraging statistics about how many widows die and/or experience severe injuries or illness within a couple years of their loved one’s death. I got completely freaked out and decided that I wasn’t going to read any more books about grief. Instead, I made up my own list of rules for surviving widowhood. They’ve served me pretty well, so I offer them to you*:

1. Don’t let fear control you. Your scary thing already happened, and – look! – you’re still here.
2. If you need to cry, just cry. If you avoid it, you’re just going to feel like crap.
3. If you’re tired, sleep. Grief is exhausting.
4. You should look as good as you can as often as possible. Aside from the fact that this will help you feel better, it will encourage people to stop treating you like you’re completely sad and pathetic, even though you are completely sad and pathetic.
5. Eat three meals a day. This sounds easy, but it’s not when you’re grieving.
6. Exercise on a regular basis. It will help you work through anger and depression, and it will also help you accomplish Rule #4.
7. Speaking of anger, find ways to deal with it that don’t involve taking it out on your remaining loved ones. You’ll take it out on your loved ones without meaning to, of course, which is why it’s important to try to channel as much anger as possible in another direction, such as picture books by Madonna.
8. Talk about your grief and the person you lost. Your existence is going to make people uncomfortable whether you talk about what happened or not, and people are probably wondering what you’re thinking and feeling even if they can’t figure out how to ask. Talking about grief is part of what makes it real and helps you work through it. Some people choose to, say, start a blog and then insist that their friends, relatives, acquaintances, and even perfect strangers start reading it.
9. Travel. You’ll be sorry if you spend a lot of time avoiding your grief, but it’s good to take a vacation from it every now and again.
10. Avoid people who aren’t loving and caring. This is a good rule for life in general, but you really aren’t emotionally stable enough to deal with a bunch of nonsense when you’re grieving.

*Note: I left off the rules that should be obvious, such as, “Don’t jump in front of a bus.” I mean, if you’re jumping in front of buses, it’s hard for me to believe that you’re taking surviving seriously.

Decision Making Techniques - Using your values for making good decisions

When I hit 50 I was catapulted into a roller coaster of loss and change that took my breath away and made me put my life under the microscope. I had lost trust in my own judgment and didn't know who I was anymore.When I was at my lowest ebb I decided things had to change and I needed to take back control of my life.
I found a Life Coach and one of the most powerful things we did was to identify and clarify my personal values. Values are what makes us who we are. They represent our special uniqueness and act as a compass for making good decisions and fulfilling life choices when we approach a major crossroad or lose our way.
One of the best tools I have found for making good decisions is the Values Based Decision Matrix developed by Laura Whitworth.Here is an abbreviated version of it.

Firstly you need to clarify what your values are and there are various ways to do this.

Identify and write down special moments that you have experienced in your life. What was happening? Who was present?  What values were being honored and expressed in that moment? Now do the opposite by looking at times when you were angry, upset or frustrated. What feelings were around the upset? What were the circumstances? What values were being trodden on at the time? Then  flip it over and look at the opposite to find the value you were suppressing. For example feeling backed into a corner might be suppressing the values of freedom and choice.

You can also brainstorm all the things that are important in your life.What are the values you absolutely must honor, or part of you dies? Now rank your top ten values in priority order from the list you have made and draw three vertical lines beside them about 2cms apart

When you want to make a decision, score your level of satisfaction for each value i.e. the degree to which you are honoring each value, on a scale of 1-10. 1 being no satisfaction at all and 10 you couldn't be more satisfied. Put the date at the top.

Now project three months and a year ahead, put those dates at the top too. Ask yourself 'Imagine that I did make that change' and write down what your  scores would be if you did against each value.Next, imagine that you did not make the change and write down those scores.The results will show you which decision will most closely honor your values.

Values change over time (and the priority you give them certainly will) so it is worth keeping the list you have made and checking whether you want to change anything on an annual basis. I always do mine at the end of the year ready for my new years resolutions!

'Every time a value is born, existence takes on a new meaning; every time one dies, some part of that meaning passes away' Joseph.Krutch

Growing old - important life lessons

I love this inspirational  speech made by an 87 year old woman " If I had my life over again, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I'd limber up. I'd be sillier than I've been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances., I would take more trips, I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and eat more beans. I would perhaps have more troubles but fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who was sensible and sane, hour after hour, day after day.
Oh, I've had my moments. If I had to do it again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else- just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I could do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.
If I had my life over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances, I would ride more merry -go-rounds, I would pick more daisies"

Nadine Stair Age 86

Desision Making Techniques - Top tip for making good decisions

This great decision making  tip comes from my NLP trainer Graham Constantine

Imagine that you are about to decide between three options. For example whether to seek a challenge in your current role,  find a job in another department or continue with what you are doing now. To find out your decision criteria make a list numbered one to ten and ask yourself the question, "What's important to me in choosing my future career direction"? and write down the answers.. In deciding between your options make a comparison between option 1, 2 and 3 in your mind. Notice what you see, hear and feel for each of the options: NOW, three months from now, 6 months from now and a year from now and become aware of as many fine distinctions as you can between the three options. Be specific on dates i.e.1st June 2009, 1st September 2009, 1st December 2009 and 1st June 2010 in this example.

Now remember a decision that you have already taken that you knew was a good decision before you took it. Notice what you see, hear and feel in detail and compare this to each of the three options. The option that most closely matches this decision is the one for you

With grateful thanks to Graham Constantine at www.businessnlpbrighton.co.uk.

Decision Making Techniques - tools for making good decisions

For the final part of my Social Work training I chose to focus on the management option and this included learning about a number of tools for making good decisions.This was a good while ago but here are a few that I have used myself from time to time.You are bound to find one that helps with a decision you want to make!

SWOT
Draw a line down and across a sheet of paper to divide it into four.Put a heading in each as follows. Strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. Now consider your options in the light of each.

Mind Mapping
I use this one a lot as its a great way to stimulate thinking. Write an option in the middle of the page with spokes coming out from the centre.Each spoke can represent benefits,consequences, supporting factors, hindering factors etc.There are no set rules. The idea is to broaden your thinking so write down whatever comes into your mind

Force Field Analysis

This tool provides a framework for looking at the factors (forces) that influence a situation.It looks at whether forces are driving you towards (helping forces) or blocking movement (hindering forces) your goal or situation. Draw a line across the centre of a page with spokes going up in a seli circle and down in a semi circle. Label the ones in the top half with factors that drive you forwards and the ones in the bottom half with the things holding you back. Give each one a priority rating of 1-5 regarding their strength so you can assess whether there are more/stronger factors driving you forward or holding you back with a decision

Balancing Options

This tool is designed for a situation where you have two contrasting options. For example to buy a new car or not

Make two columns on a sheet of paper and head each one Option 1 and Option 2. Make another heading underneath Advantages of Option 1 and Advantages of Option 2. Now list the two contrasting options and the advantages of each.Looking at what you have written, which option would be better for you to choose (consider the importance or weighting you attach to each advantage, as well as the number.Is there a third option which would combine some of the benefits of each option and be better than either of them? This might be a compromise  or completely different option.

Finally trust your own judgment and apply good old common sense

Here's to your successful decision making!

'Life is a series of small decisions. Apart they seem unimportant but each one is significant because they contribute to the whole' (unknown)

Decision Making Techniques -10 steps to making good decisions

Last time I highlighted the importance of making good decisions and how difficult this can be for those of us who no longer have a husband or partner to act as a sounding board. I promised you some guidelines on making good decisions and here they are.

1.   Let your emotions subside before making an important decision. At the very least sleep on the matter you make the decision

2.   Be clear about the situation and decision you are trying to make.What is your ultimate objective? What problem are you trying to solve? Why should it be solved? How will you know when you have solved it? Is there a timescale? Write down your answer as a clear statement. For example, I am trying to decide whether to change careers as I am becoming bored at work.

3.   Get others on board. Sometimes an outside or objective viewpoint can offer you a different way of looking at things. Share your thinking with people you trust like friends and family members, work colleagues etc.They will inevitable come up with with things you haven't thought of which can make your decision easier to make.

4.   Brainstorm possible choices. Generate ideas and possible solutions and make a list Ask for help if you need it

5.   Beware of choice overload. Limit the  number of options to a maximum of three by prioritising your list.

6.   Make your decision. Reflect on  what you have learned and trust your own judgment.You will know and feel which one is best(Tools to help you are on the way!)

7.   Do your research..  What factors does your decision involve? Use the Internet, library,friends,family,colleagues,neighbors,spiritual leaders to get as much background information as possible.,Keep all the information relating to your decision in one place. 

8.   Identify your resources. What do you need to act on your decision? Include money,people,knowledge,skills,information

9.   Put your decision into action. Transform your decision into a plan of specific action steps.What could get in the way of implementing your decision? What action could you take to prevent this happening?

10. Take action to implement your decision. This is the most important step. Its no good making a decision of you do not act on it!

'Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there'. Will Rogers