Moonbeams

Moving on After Divorce in Later Life - Strategies for building self confidence

Going through divorce when we are older steals our confidence and self-esteem and leaves us feeling disempowered and lacking the courage we need to create a new life for ourselves.

Instead of trusting ourselves to make the right decisions we run the risk of basing them on what other people think and fearing failure, remain in our comfort zone to avoid taking risks. As a result, we limit ourselves by lacking self-belief and as a result miss opportunities and achieving what is possible.

An important part of transforming life after divorce is to understand and value ourselves and have the confidence to be the person we really want to be. Often the only thing that gets in the way of this is our self!

To become more confident you need to pay attention to both your internal and external self. If you work from the inside out, the more you get to know yourself, the more confidence you will have.

Be Positive

We become more confident when we focus on what is working in our life and what we are good at rather than the things we are afraid aren’t working.

If you make a positive interpretation of a situation it can powerfully affect the way you think so you need to look at things differently to help yourself arrive at a different conclusion. Ask yourself ‘What could other reasons for this be?’

We need to focus on what is working in our life rather than what isn’t, become aware of our strengths and achievements and view mistakes as a learning experience.

Be careful how you talk to yourself

Self-talk shapes how we see our world and ourselves so it is important that our words are positive. We need to pay attention to our inner voice and make a conscious effort to change negative, deprecating comments into positive empowering ones e.g.  ‘I can’t do that and will end up looking silly’ vs ‘I have done something similar before and I will gain respect for trying’.

Find your strengths and achievements.

Understanding your purpose, values and strengths will help you get in touch with your true self and express yourself more confidently. It is worth investing time in them when you are planning your new life.

Make a list of the ten things you are most proud of. Maybe you did well in an exam, helped a friend or got yourself out of debt. Now write down the things you or other people said at the time about them. Use words like bright, caring, strong, and tenacious. Look at what you have written on a regular basis to confirm your achievements and strengths

Think about what is important to you and what you want to achieve in your life.

A good way of doing this is a SWOT analysis. On a piece of paper draw a line across the middle and then one down the centre. Head the two on the left hand side, strengths and weaknesses and the ones on the right, opportunities and threats. Think about the achievements you listed and what your strengths are. From these think about the opportunities and threats you face.

Plan ahead

Identifying and achieving goals plays an important part in building self-confidence. Use your SWOT analysis to inform your goals. Play to your strengths, minimise your weaknesses, maximise your opportunities and control the threats you face. When you have finished your major life goals identify the first step for each. Make it a really small one and don’t forget to reward yourself for each step you take!

Think about the outside to.

Improving our appearance, developing a confident body posture and tone of voice can make us look and feel more confident. Here are some ideas

•  Get your colours analysed by a colour consultant. You will be amazed how much younger and more vibrant you will look and feel when you wear ‘your’ colours and how much you will save by not buying clothes that end up staying in your wardrobe.

• Treat yourself to a new hairstyle. If you have used the same stylist for some time try a new one who will have fresh ideas. Changing your colour as well as your style or having high/low lights can give you a real boost.
• Accessories can make an outfit – treat yourself to some lovely earrings, a pretty necklace, scarf or bracelet. They glam up any outfit and don’t need to be expensive.
• Make an appointment with a beauty consultant and get some ideas for changing your makeup
• If you wear glasses, how about getting some new frames. Take a friend to help you choose. Or why not consider contact lenses or laser treatment and throw away your glasses.
• Pay attention to your posture and make an appointment with a teacher, who is trained in the Alexander Technique to help you move more gracefully, become more poised and breathe and speak more easily and confidently.
• Think about engaging a voice coach

Finally, identify your support network.

Look for people who are confident and have high self-esteem to spend time with. Genuine friends will see your strengths rather than your weaknesses and will help you gain new perspectives on your situation.

Also, remember that helping others can boost your self-esteem. By knowing that you have brought happiness to someone else you move the focus away from yourself.


Here’s to a more confident you in 2010!

Retirement planning- Why we should plan our retirement

 
Retirement is one of the most significant changes you will ever experience and one of the greatest social experiments of our time.

Retirees today are much healthier, more active and can expect to live longer than they could in the past. In 1951 there were fewer than 300 centurions alive in England and Wales. By 2036 statistics suggest there could be more than 40 thousand. We are in a unique position and facing a future that looks nothing like our parents second half of life.

Unlike our parents, for whom secure jobs and pension-funded retirements were the norm, we need to be self reliant and self-starting. This is because changes taking place in Government policy and in the workplace are placing increasing pressure on us to take personal responsibility for aspects of our lives, which were previously performed by outside agencies such as health professionals, teachers and the Government.

Despite the significant changes taking place, we are living in today’s world, and planning yesterday’s retirement. If you are aged between 40 and 60, you are a guinea pig without knowing it. Let’s look at some of the reasons why.

•    It is anticipated that life expectancy will continue to rise. The population aged 80 and over in 1998 of 2.3 million will gradually rise to nearly 6 million by 2050.

•    Attitudes regarding health and well-being are short sighted. Our lifestyle habits such as diet, smoking and drinking, illustrate the extent to which we prioritise the present at the expense of the future.

•    When it comes to planning finances, our disregard for the future is blindingly obvious. Many of us are saving nothing or too little towards our retirement. Increasing levels of debt are being accrued and many of us are unaware of the difficulties we will encounter later in life, or are unsure how to plan for them.

•    Our retirement plans are reflections of those of our grandparents or parents but our chances of living a long life   are not. We’re living in the 21st century and planning a 20th Century retirement!

•    Because people are living longer, many of us are spending our retirement caring for older relatives.

•     As many parents now go to work, grandparents are playing a larger role in caring for grandchildren than previous generations.

•    The percentage of people in mid life who are divorced or separated has more than doubled over the past 20 years. This will place greater demands on people’s abilities to self manage their lifestyles. This was less necessary in the past, when the overwhelming majority were in stable couple relationships.

Up to now retirement planning meant, ‘Do you have enough money?’ because retirement planning comes from financial planners and life insurance agents. However there is increasing awareness that if we are going to be spending 25 years or more in this phase of life, we need to plan for it properly and well in advance. Unfortunately most people spend more time planning a holiday or buying a car than a 25-year retirement!

When approaching retirement we need exactly the same process of self-analysis and sound consultation that we would receive from a competent career advisor if we were going through a job change. As job changers need to generate career options in a clear and understandable way, pre retirees need the same option generation process but with slightly different, content and goals and an entirely different purpose. People retiring at any age need plenty of options.

Everyone approaches retirement from a different point of view.     Some of us will cope with it well, while others will approach it with uncertainty and even fear.

Nobody knows how long he or she is going to live and most people want a long and fulfilling life. This is an ideal, which few people achieve, but with planning and timely action, it is now attainable.
         
Personal retirement planning helps people extend choice and control in the transition from work to retirement, through coaching designed to help gain new perspectives and possibilities.

Your retirement will be as unique as your fingerprint. With professional coaching and effective planning you can transform how you approach retirement and the enjoyment and fulfillment you get from it.

Make the most of the opportunities it can offer and start planning now!

















           

Midlife Career Changes - 10 step plan for your career change midlife

“Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places. – E.J. Cossman”

Changing your career in the second half of your life will feel very different from when you were younger. Becoming aware of  our mortality changes our priorities and shrinks the importance of money, success, status and meeting others’ expectations.

You may have less confidence than when you were younger; have concerns about age discrimination and losing leave and financial incentives gained from long service.

During mid-life we realise the gap between our dreams and reality and want the next part of our life to be meaningful because we won’t get another chance.

For some of us a career change in the second half of our life is something we plan, a conscious choice to pursue a higher income, improved job satisfaction or work life balance.

Others may be caught up like me  in the increasing wave of redundancies as organisations restructure and downsize as a result of the downturn in the economy. We all find change difficult and finding you have to reapply for your job, compete against your colleagues or take on a role you would not have applied for can be unsettling to say the least. Believe me I know!

But for many, redundancy can bring new opportunities for women who may have had a long career, feel ready for a change and need a nudge to take action. Sometimes being forced out of our comfort zone can be just what we need!

Whether you are forced into changing your job because of redundancy, are returning to work, hankering for a change, seeking a new challenge or better work life balance this 10 step plan will help you on your way.

1.   Identify your values

In order to feel happy and fulfilled in our work we need to align the job we do with our values. List everything that is important to you about your job e.g. variety, financial security, achievement, belonging significance, power, autonomy, creativity, mental stimulation and so on.

Work is ideally an expression of who we are so use your list of values to guide and inform your decision making

2.   Know yourself

Make four columns and head them, strengths, skills, knowledge and experience. Think about your hobbies, interests and life experience as well as current and previous employment. E.g. you are likely to have gained budgeting and organisational experience from looking after your family, gained problem solving experience and focus and tenacity from helping with homework. You get my drift!

3.   Ignite your passion

What do you love doing? What makes your heart sing?

4.   Inventory your accomplishments

 What have been your proudest moments in and outside of work?

5.   Establish the  kind of work you want to do

Do you want to work full or part time? Do you want to work for an employer or for yourself?

6.   What about the money?

How much money do you need to live your life now and when you retire? Whilst not being the most important thing, you need to earn enough to put bread on the table!

7.   Create options

At this point your objective is to brainstorm a list of options and generate possibilities. Review the information you have gained from 1-6 above. Be flexible, non critical and think outside the box. Include every job that interests you, regardless of whether you think you can do it. Ask family, friends and colleagues to help you come up with as many as possible.

8.   Choose your option

Consider each option carefully and ask yourself how does this option make me feel? What would change if I choose this option?

9.   Identify obstacles

What could get in the way of getting the job you have chosen?

10 . Establish the resources you will need

Think about what support you will need and who will support you. What financial and training resources might you need? What do you need to know about?

Next time I will share some tips from my experience as a Manager for many years to help you sail through your interview

 “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than the ones you did” Mark Twain 

Creating a new beginning

‘If you don’t have a plan someone else will have one for you’ Anthony Robbins

 It is much better to have a plan for your life than to sit back and take whatever life throws at you.

 When you compare your life 5 years ago with the one you have now, are you pleased with the progress you have made? If you are like the 94% of people who do not set themselves goals the answer is probably not.

Start making your plan by listing everything you want to do, be or have in the next  year. Think big and let your imagination run wild. You can have anything you want, money is no object, nothing can get in your way, this is your last chance to create a legacy. 

Imagine you have a magic wand and all you wish for will be granted. Just keep writing without stopping until you’ve put down everything you can think of.

Go through your list and identify your top three in each category.

    * 3 Things I want to do

    * 3 Things I want to be

    * 3 Things I want to have.

You now have 9 goals down on paper.

 To get the 10th and last one, answer the following question:

     * What is the one thing that if I stopped or started doing would make a massive difference to my life?

 Write your goals as a specific, positive statement as if they had already happened and include an emotional (feeling) statement.

e.g. Feeling healthy and looking fantastic wearing a size 12 dress, weighing 126 pounds

Now write a sentence against each of your goals describing why you want to achieve it. This is important for your motivation e.g.

To improve my health, look younger, increase my confidence and feel less tired.

Do the same and this time describe what will happen if you don't achieve the goal

e.g.I will feel tired and lethargic, my clothes will no longer fir me, my health will be put at risk and no-one will fancy me

 Goals are merely intentions until you take action so establish the first step you need to take for each one and then decide on next steps

Think about when you are going to complete each step and write yourself a timetable. Transfer this to your diary and if you don't have one, buy one!

You now have a plan but that is all it will be unless you take action and implement it!

 

How to have confidence - the second time around - Part 1

It's been a long time but hey I'm back now. I turned 60 since my last post and honored the occasion by taking myself to Australia and Hong Kong. I hadn't visited either country before and traveled on my own. I also  have a fear of  flying.

When I was younger I had oodles of confidence but life experiences drove through it with a battering ram! I found my  role as a single woman challenged my comfort zone and if I hadn't done something about it I would have had an unfulfilling life in front of me without trying anything new.

I lost count of the people who said how brave I was and that they couldn't have done it on their own.But you know...

Mid life victim or primetime woman?

I was 53 when I divorced my husband after 34 years of marriage.Although unhappy for many years I always found a reason not to leave. First it was because of our two sons and when they grew up it was more about finances and the fear of living on my own.

I had a good job and was the primary contributer to our joint income. My husband was an adrenalin junkie around money and lived each day to back a winner!

Questions reverberated in my head like...