Moonbeams

Moving on After Divorce in Later Life - Strategies for building self confidence

Going through divorce when we are older steals our confidence and self-esteem and leaves us feeling disempowered and lacking the courage we need to create a new life for ourselves.

Instead of trusting ourselves to make the right decisions we run the risk of basing them on what other people think and fearing failure, remain in our comfort zone to avoid taking risks. As a result, we limit ourselves by lacking self-belief and as a result miss opportunities and achieving what is possible.

An important part of transforming life after divorce is to understand and value ourselves and have the confidence to be the person we really want to be. Often the only thing that gets in the way of this is our self!

To become more confident you need to pay attention to both your internal and external self. If you work from the inside out, the more you get to know yourself, the more confidence you will have.

Be Positive

We become more confident when we focus on what is working in our life and what we are good at rather than the things we are afraid aren’t working.

If you make a positive interpretation of a situation it can powerfully affect the way you think so you need to look at things differently to help yourself arrive at a different conclusion. Ask yourself ‘What could other reasons for this be?’

We need to focus on what is working in our life rather than what isn’t, become aware of our strengths and achievements and view mistakes as a learning experience.

Be careful how you talk to yourself

Self-talk shapes how we see our world and ourselves so it is important that our words are positive. We need to pay attention to our inner voice and make a conscious effort to change negative, deprecating comments into positive empowering ones e.g.  ‘I can’t do that and will end up looking silly’ vs ‘I have done something similar before and I will gain respect for trying’.

Find your strengths and achievements.

Understanding your purpose, values and strengths will help you get in touch with your true self and express yourself more confidently. It is worth investing time in them when you are planning your new life.

Make a list of the ten things you are most proud of. Maybe you did well in an exam, helped a friend or got yourself out of debt. Now write down the things you or other people said at the time about them. Use words like bright, caring, strong, and tenacious. Look at what you have written on a regular basis to confirm your achievements and strengths

Think about what is important to you and what you want to achieve in your life.

A good way of doing this is a SWOT analysis. On a piece of paper draw a line across the middle and then one down the centre. Head the two on the left hand side, strengths and weaknesses and the ones on the right, opportunities and threats. Think about the achievements you listed and what your strengths are. From these think about the opportunities and threats you face.

Plan ahead

Identifying and achieving goals plays an important part in building self-confidence. Use your SWOT analysis to inform your goals. Play to your strengths, minimise your weaknesses, maximise your opportunities and control the threats you face. When you have finished your major life goals identify the first step for each. Make it a really small one and don’t forget to reward yourself for each step you take!

Think about the outside to.

Improving our appearance, developing a confident body posture and tone of voice can make us look and feel more confident. Here are some ideas

•  Get your colours analysed by a colour consultant. You will be amazed how much younger and more vibrant you will look and feel when you wear ‘your’ colours and how much you will save by not buying clothes that end up staying in your wardrobe.

• Treat yourself to a new hairstyle. If you have used the same stylist for some time try a new one who will have fresh ideas. Changing your colour as well as your style or having high/low lights can give you a real boost.
• Accessories can make an outfit – treat yourself to some lovely earrings, a pretty necklace, scarf or bracelet. They glam up any outfit and don’t need to be expensive.
• Make an appointment with a beauty consultant and get some ideas for changing your makeup
• If you wear glasses, how about getting some new frames. Take a friend to help you choose. Or why not consider contact lenses or laser treatment and throw away your glasses.
• Pay attention to your posture and make an appointment with a teacher, who is trained in the Alexander Technique to help you move more gracefully, become more poised and breathe and speak more easily and confidently.
• Think about engaging a voice coach

Finally, identify your support network.

Look for people who are confident and have high self-esteem to spend time with. Genuine friends will see your strengths rather than your weaknesses and will help you gain new perspectives on your situation.

Also, remember that helping others can boost your self-esteem. By knowing that you have brought happiness to someone else you move the focus away from yourself.


Here’s to a more confident you in 2010!

The Secret to work life balance- Find an hour a day to play

We all need a balance in our life between work and play. By freeing up at least an hour a day to focus on something you want to do, rather than something you think you have to or should do, can help give you that balance.

Remember there is always enough time to do the things that are important to us and it is important that we invest time in ourselves

    * What makes you smile inside?
    * What fascinates you?
    * What do you love doing?

Re-ignite your passion and find a creative outlet. Re-design your garden, go or craft group.to the opera or a ballet, join an art class or find a local singing/pottery/writing or craft group. US researchers believe being creative can add about 6.7 years longer to our life than those of us who rarely flex our creative muscles. Wow! what a bonus.

'We have enough time if we will but use it right' Goethe

Boost Your Confidenece self -confidence tips for women

                                            

Whether you are re-inventing yourself or changing your job, your confidence will leap if you give yourself a makeover first.

• Get your colours done with a colour consultant. www.cmb.co.uk or call 02076 275211 to find one in your area. You will be amazed how much younger and more vibrant you will look and feel when you wear ‘your’ colours and how much you will save by not buying  clothes that end up staying in your wardrobe.
• Treat yourself to a new hairstyle. If you have used the same stylist for some time try a new one who will have fresh ideas. Changing your colour as well as your style or having high/low lights can give you a real boost.
•  Accessories can make an outfit – treat yourself to some lovely earrings, a pretty necklace, scarf or bracelet. They glam up any outfit and don’t need to be expensive.
• If you wear glasses, how about getting some new frames. Take a friend to help you choose. Or why not consider contact lenses or laser treatment and throw away your glasses.
• Tooth whitening can take years off you and adds some glamour!  So why not give it a go?
•  Book a facial, massage, manicure and pedicure. Go on, you are worth it.
•  Arrange to pamper yourself. Decide on a time you will not be disturbed. Unplug the phone, light candles in the bathroom and put  on your favourite music. Run the bath and add relaxing bath oil. Put fluffy towels ready to warm. Now close your eyes and think of  the wonderful life you are creating for yourself!

Here's to a more confident and beautiful new you!

How to survive widowhood

Whether anticipated or unexpected, losing our husband can turn our world upside down and leave us feeling lost and overwhelmed, especially if  you had been married for a long time like me.

The transition from wife to widow is a painful one involving a change from married partner to independent woman and losing our lover, housemate, financial partner, confidante and soul mate all at once.

At the beginning I felt shocked and couldn't believe it had happened. I felt numb, everything felt hazy and was unable to concentrate.

After this period of shock and denial, reality sunk in and the fact that life would never be the same again hit home. Concerns about how I would cope on my own began to come to the fore.

The time it takes to get over the grieving stage varies enormously and there are no hard and fast rules. Every journey will be unique However I can promise you that as the saying goes ‘This too shall pass’ and things will eventually get better.

It is important that you take care of yourself during the grieving process and most importantly talk through how you are feeling with family and friends or your GP. Having a  nutritious diet, keeping active and giving yourself regular treats are equally important.

One of the things I read recently that I would have found helpful at the time my husband died was the following article by Adrienne Furness. I have her permission to share it with you and hope you find it helpful.

Ten Rules to Help You Survive Widowhood
About a week after my husband died, I started reading a book that cited some less-than-encouraging statistics about how many widows die and/or experience severe injuries or illness within a couple years of their loved one’s death. I got completely freaked out and decided that I wasn’t going to read any more books about grief. Instead, I made up my own list of rules for surviving widowhood. They’ve served me pretty well, so I offer them to you*:

1. Don’t let fear control you. Your scary thing already happened, and – look! – you’re still here.
2. If you need to cry, just cry. If you avoid it, you’re just going to feel like crap.
3. If you’re tired, sleep. Grief is exhausting.
4. You should look as good as you can as often as possible. Aside from the fact that this will help you feel better, it will encourage people to stop treating you like you’re completely sad and pathetic, even though you are completely sad and pathetic.
5. Eat three meals a day. This sounds easy, but it’s not when you’re grieving.
6. Exercise on a regular basis. It will help you work through anger and depression, and it will also help you accomplish Rule #4.
7. Speaking of anger, find ways to deal with it that don’t involve taking it out on your remaining loved ones. You’ll take it out on your loved ones without meaning to, of course, which is why it’s important to try to channel as much anger as possible in another direction, such as picture books by Madonna.
8. Talk about your grief and the person you lost. Your existence is going to make people uncomfortable whether you talk about what happened or not, and people are probably wondering what you’re thinking and feeling even if they can’t figure out how to ask. Talking about grief is part of what makes it real and helps you work through it. Some people choose to, say, start a blog and then insist that their friends, relatives, acquaintances, and even perfect strangers start reading it.
9. Travel. You’ll be sorry if you spend a lot of time avoiding your grief, but it’s good to take a vacation from it every now and again.
10. Avoid people who aren’t loving and caring. This is a good rule for life in general, but you really aren’t emotionally stable enough to deal with a bunch of nonsense when you’re grieving.

*Note: I left off the rules that should be obvious, such as, “Don’t jump in front of a bus.” I mean, if you’re jumping in front of buses, it’s hard for me to believe that you’re taking surviving seriously.

How to Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle

Nothing can be more important than maintaining a healthy lifestyle and looking after ourselves. If you integrate the following changes they will become a natural part of your behavior and you will know that you are doing everything you can to look after your health

• Give up smoking if you smoke. There is plenty of help out there
• Eat more fruit and vegetables and less fat, unrefined carbohydrtes, sugar and salt
• Drink plenty of water and reduce your coffee and alcohol intake if you have more than guidance suggests you should
• Get plenty of exercise
• Meditate daily for at least 15minutes to calm your mind
• Do something different every week and stretch your comfort zone
• Read or do a crossword every day to stimulate little grey cells'
• Involve yourself in your local community. Helping others makes us feel better.
• Keep a gratitude journal. Every night before bedtime, list 20 things you're grateful for. It gets easier the more you do it!

You get a body whether you like it or not, its yours so use it well!